# The Joke thread



## Chris

Since we have a lot of jokes going on here, we can post them here to keep them organized.


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## Chris

DIVORCE versus MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the
Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give
you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll
throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You
CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with
the Pharmacist's wife.

The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


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## Trophyman

Well a lot like 57's dog story, this one is also true.

A guy that I used to work with lived in Pa on a small farm (3acres). Just like every other day he goes home sits on the back porch and drinks a few brews to unwind. Well, this day his big Chesapeake Bay retriever walks up with the next door neighbors kids pet flop ear rabbit in it's mouth, dead.

George, my friend, goes into a panic. The kids love that rabbit and play with it all the time. He jumps up and snatches the lifeless rabbit from the dogs mouth. He quickly brushes most of the dirt off the rabbit and runs next door to put the rabbit back into it's cage in the neighbors backyard before anybody gets home.

The next day, Saturday, George is out back doing some work when the neighbor walks up to talk. They sit down on the back porch and pop a brew to relax. After a few minuets the neighbor blurts out, "hey,  ya know that flop ear rabbit that the kids have" nervous George says "yea" neighbor says "well, he died last week and me and the kids took him out in the woods and buried him. I come home yesterday and damned if he wasn't back in his cage!

George says, glad I didn't give him a bath and fluff him up!


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## ME87

..........


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## cruzn57

I have an "Official" place to post my dumb jokes!:thumbsup:


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## Chris

Yes and we can read them over and over again.


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## Chris

Heres one for Havasu

What kind of animal has an ***hole on it's back?

A police horse!


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## cruzn57

A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. Ive got a special game for you. Ill do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paintmyhouse."


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## cruzn57

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: hes allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "Thats not surprising," the elders say. "Youve done nothing but complain since you got here."


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## cruzn57

A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"


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## oldognewtrick

Now I understand health care expenses. 

WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH!

Kevin had shingles.Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?


Here's what happened to Kevin:

Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had...
Kevin said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..' So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.

Kevin said, 'Shingles.' The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'


HOPE THIS MAKES YOU LAUGH OUT LOUD LIKE I DID... THAT'S WHY I HAD TO SEND THIS TO YOU....THESE DAYS WE NEED ALL THE LAUGHS WE CAN GET


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## cruzn57

Just Cowboy
>
> A drunken man lay sprawled across three entire seats in
> the posh Amarillo Theater.
>
> When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the
> guy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
>
> The man groaned but didn't budge.
>
> The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up
> from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
>
> Once again, the guy just groaned. The usher marched
> briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with
> the manager.
>
> Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him
> , but with no success.
>
> Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed
> the situation briefly, then asked, "All right buddy, what's
> your name?"
>
> "Just Cowboy, just Cowboy", he moaned.
>
> "Where ya come from, Cowboy?" asked the Ranger.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle
> , he replied, "The Balcony."


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## ME87

Hope none of you are Bears fan, I'm a 49's fan for life though so it was a good night. 

Here's the Joke

CPS takes a little boy to court because he's being abused. The judge asked who he wants to live with....

Little boy says "I don't want to live with my mom because she beats me"

"I don't want to live with my dad because he beats me"

So the judge says so who do you WANT to live with?

Little boy replies  "I want live with the Chicago Bears because they don't be anyone!"


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## cruzn57

The chicken and the Harley.

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved
to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a
bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to
go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the
farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no
avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with
a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his
friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see
the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to
get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the
farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and,
with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the
farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he
returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best
Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and
soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to
save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the
large puddle.

Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his
hangy-down thingy and he would then lift him out of the
pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up
and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?




(yep, you betcha, there is a moral!)




'When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks!


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## cruzn57

Dear Diary,


Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double pane, energy efficient kind, but this week I got a call from the contractor, complaining his work had been completed a year ago and I had
yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around and around!

Just because I'm a blonde does not mean I'm automatically stupid.

So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me last year, namely, that in one year, the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up. I have not heard anything back.

Guess I won that stupid argument
__________________


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## oldognewtrick

Homesick Snowbirds

I was in Ft. Myers , Florida the other day
and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked
car that read, "I miss Chicago ."

So, I broke the window, stole the radio,
shot out two of the tires and left a note
that read, "I hope this helps!"


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## cruzn57

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,

"Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black

and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $350,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV,

but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me if I could even find a hot 23-year-old girl who'd want me,

she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car,

sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems!


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## oldognewtrick

Filming a TV commercial tragedy.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Xoe5Vjl90-o


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## oldognewtrick

The Postman



One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighbourhood

on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the

homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. 

His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with

a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of


a party last night,' the Postman comments.

David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.

This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday

morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighbour-

hood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all

got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says,

'How do you play WHO AM I?'

Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time

covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing

through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is..'

The postman laughs and says,

'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded.

'Your name came up 7 times.'


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## oldognewtrick

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???...) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????..)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???.....)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


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## cruzn57

Forgot my glasses?



Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.



I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 72 years old and you 're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"I'm in trouble again, and I don 't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her.



She fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.


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## cruzn57

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-*** student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your 
other hand.


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## Chris

A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake. The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish!?!?"
"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."
"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."
The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!
We do this all the time!!"
"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"
The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"
"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.
The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the warden!
"Whut fish?" asked the redneck.


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## Rusty

A cowboy told his grandson the secret to a long life.

He said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal, see. If you do, you'll live to a nice ripe old age."

So the cowboy did this religiously every day, and sure enough, lived to the nice ripe old age of 96.

When he died he left behind 4 children, 8 grandchildren, 15 great-grandchildren

...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium


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## Rusty

Fifty-one years ago,  Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the  Army. On his first day in 

Basic training, the Army issued him a  comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On  his second day,

The Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the

Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman  for 51 years.


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## Rusty

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.

One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left.

As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?"

"He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."


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## Rusty

........... 

View attachment 13873195_537775256421233_7383561769902199433_n.jpg


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## Rusty

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking         


































and sex if she wants to get into heaven. 











The woman said she would try her best. 
















God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on. 











"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but  






then I bent over to look in the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, 






pulled down my panties, and made love to me right then and there." 
















"They don't like that in heaven", said God. 











The woman replied:  "They're not too happy about it in Costco either !"


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## Rusty

LOGICAL

There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.

Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."


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## Rusty

who is Jack Schitt? 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.
The deeply religious couple produced six children:
Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt,
were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt....


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## Rusty

Bill Gates has passed away


St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".

First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds.

Bill chooses Hell.

About a week later, St. Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons.

Bill says to St. Peter, "What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?"

St. Peter replies, "That was just the screen saver."


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## Rusty

............ 

View attachment interesting.jpg


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## Chris

I bet you dont feel a thing going that way.


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## oldognewtrick

Chris said:


> I bet you dont feel a thing going that way.



You know the last thing that go through a bugs mind when it hits your windshield?







His *******...


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## Rusty

So true.... 

View attachment 14067642_1457374540942951_8831941618331933219_n.jpg


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## Rusty

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."

"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"

God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."

Satan says, "No way. I'm keeping them."

God says, "Send them up here, or I'll sue the horns right off you."

Satan laughs uproariously, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"


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## Rusty

I think car horns should sound like gunshots 'cause the sound of a horn is not representin' my road rage properly.

I've never been angry with someone and had the urge to toot a trumpet.


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## Rusty

squirrels ... 

View attachment 033a3e7027f14c8fc506c362e8ef2aae.jpg


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## havasu

That is good.


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## Rusty

........... 

View attachment 13876113_10207031372129409_4485352260275753726_n.jpg


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## Rusty

................ 

View attachment 14292509_10154381511226427_5422200457664634212_n.jpg


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## Chris

Don't forget licks everything and picks stuff up off the ground to eat.


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## brawn

:-D


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## Chris

Never thought of that.


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## Rusty

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.

The lawyer turns around.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"


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## Rusty

Pallet 

View attachment I-made-this-1.jpg


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## Rusty

clowns 

View attachment 14519763_1332397703451643_5687206326489002048_n.jpg


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## Rusty

vote 

View attachment vote.jpg


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## Chris

This whole country has become a joke.


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## oldognewtrick

Chris said:


> This whole country has become a joke.



Sadly, this is true....


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## Rusty

300 million people and those two are the best we can do?


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## Chris

Our younger generation has been taught to be sensitive pussies. We are far to concerned with feelings to do anything for the better. Look at black lives matter? A bunch of racist thugs and we are being told we have accept it and if we don't we are evil. Worst part is, we are doing what they want and not fighting back. They take our rights one by one and we are letting them.


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## zannej

My uncle sent me a birthday card with a newspaper clipping of a joke article. I'm going to paraphrase the joke rather than quote it.

A federal agent went to a farm an told the farmer he was there to search the property for drugs. The farmer said "Ok, but you might want to stay out of that field over there" as he pointed at a particular field.
The agent got huffy, pulled out his badge and angrily said "You see this ***ing badge? It means I can go wherever the **** I want and do whatever the **** I want!" (At which point I had to silently nitpick that he would need a warrant)
The farmer apologized and the agent started his search. Several minutes later the farmer heard loud screams. He looked out to the field he'd indicated to avoid and saw the agent running for his life with a large bull chasing him. As the bull drew closer, the farmer jumped up on the fence and shouted to the agent "Your BADGE! Show him your ****ing badge!!"


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## Rusty

mower 

View attachment 14724638_10210509285626446_30752945688701576_n.jpg


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## Chris

Rusty said:


> 300 million people and those two are the best we can do?



Honestly we need to vote for our parties. Too many people are voting for the other side just because they don't like who we chose to be the face for the next four years. It is really pathetic that it has come to this and this is the most screwed up election I have seen. We need to start teaching our young to educate themselves and do their own research before deciding who to vote for. It's pretty simple, find the party that best suites your future goals and vote that way. I personally don't care what side you are voting for as long as you know why you are voting.


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## oldognewtrick

Chris said:


> Honestly we need to vote for our parties. *Too many people are voting for the other side just because they don't like who we chose to be the face for the next four years.* It is really pathetic that it has come to this and this is the most screwed up election I have seen. We need to start teaching our young to educate themselves and do their own research before deciding who to vote for. It's pretty simple, find the party that best suites your future goals and vote that way. I personally don't care what side you are voting for as long as you know why you are voting.



Everyone is so easily influence by what ever comes across social media. Very few take the time to research what the candidates actually stand for. As far as parties. BOTH have sold us out for political gain. NEITHER one cares about people anymore, it's all about power and money. One is not any better than the other, just different. Makes me sick to my stomach to see the direction we're heading...


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## Rusty

On the local and state level, I research the candidate and vote strictly by that. So I vote for some from each party. 
Missouri's governor race is the strange one. The Democrat, was a Republican until 2008. The Republican was a Democrat until 2009. The NRA and the Farm Bureau are both supporting the Democrat. The Democrat was investigated for corruption. The Republican started an organization to collect donations for veterans and them took $700,000 in salary and another $600,000 for image consultants for his campaign.


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## Chris

I think one thing that would really help is money, make it a normal paying job and make it illegal to accept any other form of money for anything else. You would get people that actually want to do good for you and not people trying to get rich. Way too much money flying around out there.


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## havasu

I was wondering why all this dialog is in the joke thread, then I realized that these days, politics are really a joke.


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## havasu

As I was typing the above response, one of our big national news gave us breaking news as if we just had a huge earthquake. They went on to say that ABC News, (owner of Disney and a real liberal bunch of idiots) have found two women who just advised that Donald Trump touched them inappropriately 30 years ago. GIVE ME A FRICKING BREAK!


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## Rusty

When I was in high school, a girl touched me inappropriately (and I liked it).


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## havasu

Did she also touch the dinosaur you were riding?


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## Rusty

havasu said:


> Did she also touch the dinosaur you were riding?



That was 1966 BD. (before dinosaurs)


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## Chris

havasu said:


> As I was typing the above response, one of our big national news gave us breaking news as if we just had a huge earthquake. They went on to say that ABC News, (owner of Disney and a real liberal bunch of idiots) have found two women who just advised that Donald Trump touched them inappropriately 30 years ago. GIVE ME A FRICKING BREAK!



He touched me 20 years ago, can I have some money now?


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## Chris

I really don't care about his mouth or her mouth or her husbands penis. I care more about what they are going to do for me. If you like to hit on women I don't care. What you do privately doesn't make a difference in my life, same goes for Bill and his Hooker and blow habit, I don't care. I do care if you are a compulsive liar, theif or crook. I just want you to say what you are going to do and stick with it the best you can. It's pretty simple. No ones personal life should ever have been brought up in the first place.


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## mustanggarage

man I almost posted a reply there,  then the politics warning went off in my head.


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## Chris

mustanggarage said:


> man I almost posted a reply there,  then the politics warning went off in my head.



Has ruined friendships for years.


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## Rusty

I have always thought that we were better off when one party had the president and the other party congress. That way, nothing got done. It seems like when they do something, it comes back to bite us on the butt.


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## havasu

Quick....find a joke. Mustang is disinterested. 

*$10 COMPLAINT*


A man goes to a $10 hooker and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the hooker laughs and says, "What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"


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## Chris

This is for us self employed people. 

View attachment 14650222_1247078692023712_904761786089224650_n.jpg


----------



## havasu

Seems like the above hits too close to home for Chris...

A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. &#8220;Looking for a man with three qualifications: won&#8217;t beat me up, won&#8217;t run away from me, and is great in bed.&#8221; Two days later her doorbell rings. &#8220;Hi, I&#8217;m Tim. I have no arms so I won&#8217;t beat you, and no legs so I won&#8217;t run away.&#8221; &#8220;What makes you think you are great in bed?&#8221; the woman retorts. Tim replies, &#8220;I rang the doorbell, didn&#8217;t I?&#8221;


----------



## havasu

How do you kill a circus clown?
Go for the juggler!


----------



## havasu

What&#8217;s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill!


----------



## havasu

&#8220;Babe is it in?&#8221; &#8220;Yea.&#8221; &#8220;Does it hurt?&#8221; &#8220;Uh huh.&#8221; &#8220;Let me put it in slowly.&#8221; &#8220;It still hurts.&#8221; &#8220;Okay, let&#8217;s try another shoe size.&#8221;


----------



## havasu

Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose??
&#8220;Yeah, they couldn&#8217;t close his casket.&#8221;


----------



## havasu

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, &#8220;I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!&#8221; The Madam is astonished. &#8220;But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.&#8221; The trucker replies, &#8220;Listen darlin&#8217;, I&#8217;m not horny &#8211; I&#8217;m just homesick.&#8221;


----------



## havasu

An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor. The old man asks, &#8221;Why are you going to sleep on the floor?&#8221; The old woman says, &#8220;Because I want to feel something hard for a change.&#8221;


----------



## havasu

What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?
E.T. eventually went home!


----------



## mustanggarage

that's more like it lol


----------



## havasu

Anything to keep you amused buddy!

I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, &#8220;Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!&#8221;
I said, &#8220;Wow!&#8221;
Then her friend said, &#8220;She means 666-3629.&#8221;


----------



## havasu

Oops, sorry, that is racist and not politically correct. 

I guess by now you know who I am voting for!


----------



## havasu

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.


----------



## havasu

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn&#8217;t?
Her navel.


----------



## havasu

What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather &#8211; Kinky is using the whole chicken.


----------



## havasu

What does a gangbanger have in common with a soda machine?
They both don&#8217;t work and always take your money.


----------



## havasu

Husband: &#8220;I don&#8217;t know why you wear a bra, you&#8217;ve got nothing to put in it.&#8221;
Wife: &#8220;You wear briefs, don&#8217;t you?&#8221;


----------



## havasu

How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
She found another woman&#8217;s lipstick on his knuckles.


----------



## havasu

What do you call a gangbanger behind bars?
Anything you want.


----------



## oldognewtrick

mustanggarage said:


> man I almost posted a reply there,  then the politics warning went off in my head.



Our choices are a Pig and a Sow, who are you afraid of offending, members of the Suidae family?


----------



## mustanggarage

oldognewtrick said:


> Our choices are a Pig and a Sow, who are you afraid of offending, members of the Suidae family?



getting into political discussions is usually not a good idea. but you asked for it.  This election has been a disaster from the beginning. We had several good candidates. Some not so good. We chose the worst. From the beginning many people, myself included said that Trump was not electable, those people who pushed Trump for their own reasons chose to ignore the fact that he has too many negative points against him. That most moderates would not vote for him, and many dyed in the wool conservatives would not vote for him. There might be many reasons why he would be a good candidate, I will not say there are, but there might be. That means nothing if he cant be elected. We had the chance to choose a candidate that could bring people together and cross party lines, to find someone who could actually work with congress and get something done. We chose the two most divisive candidates in history. I am a conservative I honestly believe that Hillary Clinton will cause more damage to this country than any other in history, she is dishonest, has sold influence to cronies, has leaked and mishandled classified information, has been complicit or at the very least negligent in the loss of American servicemen. I believe that she is drunk on power and craves it over others to the exclusion of nearly all other thoughts. I also believe her election is nearly inevitable. Trump cant win. I and many other long time conservatives simply refuse to vote for him. To those who say that to vote for a third party is to vote for Clinton, I disagree. those of you voted for him chose this candidate despite knowing how divisive an individual he is. You chose to push this person into a position and then demand that the rest of us, those of us who said all along that we need someone who can be less divisive, and cross party lines. they demand that we vote for this man. they chose to ignore the signs. But now you say we must vote for this man because the alternative is worse. You should have thought of that when you made him your candidate. The only hope we have right now is for all of us who dislike both of these candidates to vote for Gary Johnson. He is not my perfect candidate. His policies do not match mine. But he has a chance to do something to prevent this catastrophe. No it is unlikely he will be elected outright, but he may steal enough votes to prevent either Clinton or Trump from getting the 270 electoral votes required to clinch the election. If that happens then maybe the house of representatives will be able to agree that he is the best option between the 3. It is really the only hope we have left. In this election. IMHO


----------



## oldognewtrick

I agree 100% MG. I cannot identify with the Republican party anymore. I'm mad. I know why Trump had the support he got, people like me are disgusted at the same old crap in politics. We can thank all those supposedly conservative politicians who have been elected and forgotten their platforms for the rise in Trump support. They created him, they will be the cause of Hillary being the next POTUS. ANY of the candidate's other than Trump could have stomped a mud pie in Hillary's chances of winning. The Republicans had control of congress, where's the dismantling of ObamaCare? Where's the balanced budget? Where's an improvement in border security? Where's reform to social programs? No, I am no longer a Republican, I'm an angry senior citizen.

I really feel sorry for our kids and future generations, we've left them with a bucket of crap.


----------



## Rusty

I don't like either party, but I think what got me the most. When Obama was elected, instead of saying that they would try to work with him, like opposition parties have always done, the Republican party said they would do what they could to make him fail. When OBamacare (a disaster) was proposed, they offered no proposals to improve it.
When the government asked for more security money for embassies, before Benghazi, the Republicans blocked it. 
Both parties are corrupt and a disaster. 
The problem is that most voters only look at R or D. They never vote for the person. 
For example, our local congresswoman, as a platform, wanted to stop all subsidies. Even though it came out during the campaign that her family farm had just received $500,000 in subsidies, she was elected anyway, because of her party affiliation.
I would like to see everyone of both parties voted out.


----------



## havasu

You guys are really messing with my OCD. This is a joke thread. I know Oboner is a joke, but this is not nice to your loyal servant, me.


----------



## Chris

It would be nice if we didn't have parties and just had people to vote for. Then you would be forced to find out what you like about them. The two major parties we have don't even promote anything anymore, it is just a ****fest of making the other side look worse. I agree that Gary Johnson is truly probably the best otion out of the the three but it is hard for me to vote for him because I feel if Hillary wins it is because people like me didn't vote Trump and took away a vote. I honestly don't know what to do and don't even know if what I do would even make a difference anyway. Four years ago I was on my way down to the polls to vote when they announced that Obama won, I thought to myself how do they know if half of america hadn't even voted yet? Do they even bother counting actual votes or do they just base it off a few?


----------



## havasu

For years I did a mail in ballot, only to be told that these votes only count in the event of a recount, and not the general election. The lady in charge whispered that I was just wasting my time voting, since it has never been to a total recount of all the ballots. I've since change it so I walk in.


----------



## Rusty

Chris said:


> It would be nice if we didn't have parties and just had people to vote for. Then you would be forced to find out what you like about them. The two major parties we have don't even promote anything anymore, it is just a ****fest of making the other side look worse. I agree that Gary Johnson is truly probably the best otion out of the the three but it is hard for me to vote for him because I feel if Hillary wins it is because people like me didn't vote Trump and took away a vote. I honestly don't know what to do and don't even know if what I do would even make a difference anyway. Four years ago I was on my way down to the polls to vote when they announced that Obama won, I thought to myself how do they know if half of america hadn't even voted yet? Do they even bother counting actual votes or do they just base it off a few?



I considered Gary Johnson, until I heard him talk. Does not seem to be very smart.


----------



## Chris

I just spent the last hour watching videos of Hillary supporters and trump protesters being interviewed. How on earth are these people allowed to vote? They know absolutely nothing about either candidate except that Trump is a racist and Hilary is a saint, thats it. They should make you take a test to vote to see that you actually know what you are voting for. How do people even get so brainwashed? It amazes me. I am baffled on what their drive is? Are they running on geting something for free or just feel this is what they need to do? I couldn't possibly go anywhere and protest without knowing fully what I am protesting.


----------



## Rusty

I protested the Vietnam war when I came back from there. I knew a little about it.


----------



## zannej

I think these sum it up.

2nd one is an excerpt from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. 

View attachment ReinstallCandidates.jpg


View attachment HHguidelizard.jpg


----------



## Rusty

A redhead and a blonde were waiting at the bus stop when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod.

Blonde said, "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery."

"What's that?" asks the redhead.

"Send my lawn away to be mowed."


----------



## Rusty

chickens 

View attachment FoxesProvidingSecurity.jpg


----------



## Rusty

My ex was In town. 

View attachment 14590379_2255079017964393_6374564483402966804_n.jpg


----------



## oldognewtrick

Rusty said:


> My ex was In town.



I didn't know we were married to sisters...,


----------



## havasu

You mean triplets?


----------



## Rusty

right 

View attachment 14516542_1151389594944625_5365159125387045143_n.jpg


----------



## Rusty

election 

View attachment 1481172_gif_0b4392d2cf110e94435c1abf4adc9726.gif


----------



## Chris

They don't even do that anymore, our elections lately have just been slamming the other guy, dragging whatever they can out of the closet and trying to explain away their pasts.


----------



## Rusty

Two old men in a retirement village were sitting in the reading room and one said to the other, ''How do you really feel? I mean, you're 72 years old, how do you honestly feel?''
 ''Honestly, I feel like a new born baby. I've got no hair, no teeth, and I just wet myself.''


----------



## Rusty

reefers 

View attachment 14237728_10155875060736959_415257514860168072_n.jpg


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## Chris

Pretty soon it wil be the norm to be high all the time.

Can't beat em, might as well join em.


----------



## zannej

Chris said:


> Pretty soon it wil be the norm to be high all the time.
> 
> Can't beat em, might as well join em.



Which is why I stay out in the country away from people. Don't want to join them. LOL.


----------



## Rusty

trail 

View attachment 14731128_1528299860530446_8961945334319152507_n.jpg


----------



## Rusty

jeep 

View attachment 14906923_1814134282133028_3930187525007616328_n.jpg


----------



## Rusty

Two workers from a landscape company showed up one morning at a job site, but realized that they forgot to bring shovels.

They called their boss: Hey patron, we forgot the shovels.

Boss: OK, let me bring some shovels to you, and in the meantime, you can lean on each other...


----------



## Chris

Rusty said:


> Two workers from a landscape company showed up one morning at a job site, but realized that they forgot to bring shovels.
> 
> They called their boss: Hey patron, we forgot the shovels.
> 
> Boss: OK, let me bring some shovels to you, and in the meantime, you can lean on each other...



Thats funny but true.


----------



## Flounly40

This made me laugh out loud. 



Chris said:


> DIVORCE versus MURDER
> 
> A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the Pharmacy, walked up to the
> Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
> 
> The Pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
> 
> The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
> 
> The Pharmacist's eyes grew big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give
> you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll
> throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You
> CANNOT have any cyanide!"
> 
> The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with
> the Pharmacist's wife.
> 
> The Pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."


----------



## Flounly40

Thats like spell fuschia and it says Red.
awesome joke though.



cruzn57 said:


> A Jewish man is walking on the beach when he discovers a bottle containing genie. He rubs it and a genie comes out, promises to grant him one wish. He says, "Peace in the Middle east, that's my wish." The genie looks concerned, then says "No, I'm sorry, that's just not possible. Some things just can't be changed. Do you have another wish?" The guys says 'Well...for my whole life I've never received oral sex from my wife. That would be my wish." The genie pauses for another moment and then says "How would you define peace?"


----------



## Rusty

What disease did cured ham actually have?


----------



## havasu

What did the turkey say to the hunter on Thanksgiving?


















Quack - quack!


----------



## oldognewtrick

havasu said:


> What did the turkey say to the hunter on Thanksgiving?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Quack - quack!





..........


----------



## havasu

Sorry. It was from my 5 year old granddaughter.


----------



## Rusty

bus driver 

View attachment 16002746_1805410813014813_661901879868227706_n.jpg


----------



## Chris

Thats scary!


----------



## zannej

That bus driver looks almost as old as the pilot for the small plane we used to take from Saipan to Tinian.


----------



## Rusty

insurance 

View attachment 1800288_480420948728875_1682958068_n.jpg


----------



## Chris

http://thefederalistpapers.org/us/e...g-through-protesters-trying-to-block-the-road


----------



## zannej

I hope Frodo will appreciate this one.


----------



## Rusty

Three Doctors are discussing which types of patients they prefer. Doctor Watson says, ''I prefer librarians. All their organs are alphabetized.''

Doctor Fitzpatrick says, ''I prefer mathematicians. All their organs are numbered.''

Doctor Ahn says, ''I prefer lawyers. They are gutless, heartless, brainless, spineless, and their heads and rear ends are interchangeable.''


----------



## zannej

Not really a joke, but cute and amusing. 
Chris, are you going to teach your little ones to do this?
[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9h8E2rPZaU4[/ame]


----------



## Rusty

hugs 

View attachment 19989391_761945870659198_6216282608018772731_n.jpg


----------



## Rusty

alcohol 

View attachment alcohol.jpg


----------



## Rusty

therapy 

View attachment 19702110_1631116483588686_1171635036250296652_n.jpg


----------



## Rusty

stubborn 

View attachment 19894769_1433553033346593_381057579307260059_n.jpg


----------



## Chris

I like that one.


----------



## Rusty

protect 

View attachment 18622415_1908600339358629_5881549271149261877_n.jpg


----------



## Rusty

stupid 

View attachment 19554913_1506237659398760_8115317854402578204_n.jpg


----------



## Rusty

salt 

View attachment 20032043_10159033568235652_7950381773213694269_n.jpg


----------



## oldognewtrick

.......... 

View attachment 2498.jpeg


----------



## oldognewtrick

.......... 

View attachment what-can-i-say-thats-live-tv-folks-gifs-21.jpg


----------



## oldognewtrick

Stupid gif didn't work.....


----------



## Rusty

oldognewtrick said:


> Stupid gif didn't work.....



I can never get them to work.


----------



## Rusty

monkey 

View attachment 19665436_2032572926974209_73986415651456552_n.png


----------



## Rusty

it is what is for lunch 

View attachment 20031601_351348015283486_1260741808953484367_n.jpg


----------



## Rusty

security 

View attachment 10395193_10152522204917642_8206586337710990548_n.png


----------



## Rusty

bear...... 

View attachment 20032075_311928885937157_4366500324212010614_n.jpg


----------



## Nick

.... 

View attachment capture11.jpg.4a10b8f9aa2fbb83492fe59bd5dbe3fd.jpg


----------



## Rusty

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender says he can stay provided he doesn't start anything.


----------



## Rusty

Did you hear the one about the 2 antennas that got married? The ceremony wasn't much to write about but the reception was great!


----------



## Nick

.... 

View attachment Loan.jpg


----------



## Nick

..... 

View attachment stool.jpg


----------



## Rusty

sick 

View attachment 11822344_10203766220230817_6345747230168616207_n.jpg


----------



## Rusty

friend 

View attachment 19959129_1407161475987554_521611744777135773_n.png


----------



## Rusty

spam 

View attachment spam.png


----------



## zannej

Rusty said:


> spam



I bet that would be a hit in Guam.


----------



## Rusty

statue 

View attachment 19732194_10212483446474554_7406849118309065236_n.jpg


----------



## zannej

I still remember hearing the recording of an emergency call in the UK (can't remember if it was Scotland or England) and the guy calls in and his complaint was: "Me girlfriend let the cat eat me bacon!" and the operator asked him what he wanted them to do bout it. "Arrest em!" and the operator very calmly says "Your girlfriend or the cat?" and the guy says "Both of em!"


----------



## Nick

....

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VwNsdcAXwE4[/ame]


----------



## oldognewtrick

I don't care who you are, that right there was funny..


----------



## Nick

I just got back from the golf course . Will post final steps in a little bit O.


----------



## zannej

That elevator video was hilarious!
Not really a joke, but I found it funny. My friend thought he had a rat in his kitchen. Turns out it was a raccoon and it walked off with his pen. He looked in the kitchen and saw it (thinking a rat was in there) and the raccoon had his pen and just looked at him. He opened the front door and the raccoon just moseyed on out with the pen.


----------



## Rusty

zannej said:


> That elevator video was hilarious!
> Not really a joke, but I found it funny. My friend thought he had a rat in his kitchen. Turns out it was a raccoon and it walked off with his pen. He looked in the kitchen and saw it (thinking a rat was in there) and the raccoon had his pen and just looked at him. He opened the front door and the raccoon just moseyed on out with the pen.



And he couldn't tell which raccoon because it was wearing a mask?


----------



## Rusty

child 

View attachment zFYFLw0.jpg


----------



## Rusty

corn maze 

View attachment 20525799_702090286653779_8647718279929863928_n.jpg


----------



## Rusty

Woman walks by the bathroom, sees man standing on scale sucking in his stomach.

She says " That is not going to help".
 He says " Sure it does, It's the only way that I can see the numbers


----------



## Rusty

joke 

View attachment 21317754_2010271698986727_2277716338293431807_n.jpg


----------



## Rusty

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. 

He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: "Wow! That is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man." 

The other man replies, "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."


----------



## zannej

A friend of mine posted this one so I screenshotted it and obscured her name for her privacy. 

View attachment donutsfunny.png


----------



## Rusty

Q: How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: only one; but she has to do it while you are eating dinner.


----------



## Nick

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImaYMoTi2g8[/ame]


----------



## zannej

Nick said:


> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ImaYMoTi2g8



ROTFLMAO!! I love it!


----------



## Rusty

swear 

View attachment 430169d1506528439t-few-jokes-image.jpg


----------



## Rusty

problems 

View attachment problems.jpg


----------



## Nick

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3c6UxGCyhQY[/ame]


----------



## oldognewtrick

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.
One evening, after their honeymoon, he was working on  his motorcycle in the garage, just for fun.
His new wife was standing  there at the workbench watching him.

After a long period of silence she  finally spoke .. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe  it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably  should just consider selling your motorcycle along with your gun collection and  that stupid fishing gear."

Tom got a quizzical look on his  face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied,  "For a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"

Tom replied: "I wasn't."


----------



## Rusty

crazy 

View attachment crazy.jpg


----------



## oldognewtrick

.......... 

View attachment Lib4.jpg


View attachment Lib10.jpg


----------



## zannej

The cigar bit got me! ROTFL!


----------



## Rusty

puppy 

View attachment tumblr_ovggafydTo1vhh16ko1_1280.jpg


----------



## Rusty

fish 

View attachment 14484580_1295928413783183_7919747228406082163_n.jpg


----------



## Rusty

tooth 

View attachment untitled.png


----------



## Rusty

bugs 

View attachment 23561520_1233387486793430_5244195853769607656_n.jpg


----------



## Chris

Rusty said:


> bugs



I wonder what next months agenda is?


----------



## Rusty

bilbos 

View attachment 24058907_1578846668817228_1393983382200679171_n.jpg


----------



## zannej

LOL!
One of the times when I was ordering pizza online, I put customer name as "Dildo Dragons" (I like to pick random weird things-- like Peeka Choo, Zoid Berg, etc). Pizza Hut computer censored it and just put "customer".


----------



## Rusty

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling Out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his tallywhacker through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."


----------



## Chris

That's a good one


----------

