# Funny Things



## RedneckGrump (Sep 15, 2022)

Anything that will give you, me, anyone a chuckle... A place to make you smile, chuckle, or laugh out of control...

My wife picked this out yesterday... and all true if YOU think about it...


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## RedneckGrump (Sep 15, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 15, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 15, 2022)

Is this one... a Blond moment???


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## RedneckGrump (Sep 17, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 17, 2022)

I used to do this all the time... The look on their faces...

Priceless


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## RedneckGrump (Sep 18, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 18, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 20, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 20, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Sep 20, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Sep 21, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 22, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 22, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 22, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 22, 2022)




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## bud16415 (Sep 22, 2022)

RedneckGrump said:


> View attachment 28571


I had a young intern assigned to me at work years ago and I didn’t really have much she could do. She would come into my office every morning and say hi.



On my way to work I passed a regional cancer center that had a sign similar to the one shown above and every day they would have some kind of profound saying sometime humorous but with a message behind it.



She would come in say hi and I would ask her to sit down and then I would ponder a few minutes remembering the motivational saying of the day from the sign and then I would tell it to her and say have a good day. She seemed pretty impressed getting these words of wisdom from an old sage.



 This went on for a good month and she came in one day and said let me guess and she had the message of the day already. She told me have a good day and it was the last time she bothered me.


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## RedneckGrump (Sep 22, 2022)

bud16415 said:


> I had a young intern assigned to me at work years ago and I didn’t really have much she could do. She would come into my office every morning and say hi.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Perfect... Wise words...


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## RedneckGrump (Sep 22, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 23, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 23, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 23, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 23, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 23, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Sep 24, 2022)

I SAW SOMEONE IN TOWN WITHOUT
EARBUDS AND PHONE SCREEN
THEN REALIZED THAT IT WAS ME,
MY OWN REFLECTION IN A SHOP WINDOW


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## RedneckGrump (Sep 25, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 25, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 26, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 26, 2022)




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## Tailgunner (Sep 27, 2022)

RedneckGrump said:


> View attachment 28604


So what is the reason?


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## RedneckGrump (Sep 27, 2022)

Tailgunner said:


> So what is the reason?


Not too sure, I don't think they are real cops... Where is the blond's hand?


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## RedneckGrump (Sep 27, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 27, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Sep 27, 2022)




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## Flyover (Sep 27, 2022)

In the photo with the two female cops, the blonde one's hand is apparently on the brunette's back, possibly her waist. Nothing remarkable about that. I do think they are probably real cops or else maybe actresses starring in a cop TV show or something; I don't think they're everyday civilians wearing police costumes.

I can't tell what the "stunning reason" is supposed to be either. I couldn't even see a taser! 

They're Israeli cops, as you can see from the Hebrew on their uniforms, but that's not really stunning...so, I give up.


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## havasu (Sep 28, 2022)

I say they are models acting like cops. Girls don't wear their hair long, prohibited earrings, improper cuffing of sleeves, and they do not have extra magazines with them. If you carry a gun, you need extra mags. That is my take anyways.


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## RedneckGrump (Sep 28, 2022)

Well, I guess YOU both have better eyes than I... I just thought they were cute, and if I was going to be pulled, I wouldn't mind either... Just my thought on Hump Day...


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## RedneckGrump (Sep 28, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 28, 2022)




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## Flyover (Sep 28, 2022)

Havasu, you might be right but I believe the standards in Israel are probably different. Women are conscripted for 2 years of military service and are allowed to wear their hair long during that time, so it seems possible to me they let female cops wear long hair too. Probably if they were actually on patrol or whatever they'd have to tie it up under a hat. You have a point about the earrings.


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## RedneckGrump (Sep 30, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Sep 30, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Oct 6, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Oct 6, 2022)

My aunt was a missionary school teacher in the Sheldon Jackson boarding school in Sitka, AK. She said there was a little Eskimo boy with beautiful blond curly hair from some remote area. When asked where he got that beautiful hair. He said I wouldn't have it if that damned fishing boat hadn't got stuck in the ice.


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## Eddie_T (Oct 7, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Oct 9, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Oct 10, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Oct 10, 2022)

I recall a neighbor that said, "Beulah painted the toilet seat and that's OK, I just wish she had told me."


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## Eddie_T (Oct 17, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Oct 17, 2022)

Borrowed;
Dear WalMart & CVS ,Home Depot and all other stores that have self checkout —​You are almost exclusively self-checkout now. The last time I was there the lady checking receipts at the exit stopping everyone.​I didn't choose to participate in that nonsense, so I just skipped the exit line and left. I heard her saying "Sir, Um Sir” as I kept walking and raised the receipt above my head, leaving the store.​You can either trust me to do self-checkout, or you can put your cashiers back in place like it used to be. I'm not interested in proving that I did your job for you. You want me to be a cashier with no training then that's your problem not mine. Don’t Audit me for a position you refuse to employ any longer.​Signed,​All of us​


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## RedneckGrump (Oct 18, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Oct 18, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Oct 19, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Oct 19, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Oct 19, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Oct 21, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Oct 22, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Oct 23, 2022)




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## Flyover (Oct 23, 2022)

Technically that's a decision tree, not a flowchart, but still amusing.


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## Eddie_T (Oct 23, 2022)

Also, obviously not done by an engineer.


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## Eddie_T (Oct 23, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Oct 25, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Oct 26, 2022)

I'd Like Mornings Better if They Started Later


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## Flyover (Oct 26, 2022)

My wife (who isn't white) said something funny once back when she was in grad school (where most of the students were white), when she was frustrated how at events the photographers were always taking her picture to use in the university's brochures:

"Sure, we all want diversity, but nobody wants to BE the diversity!"


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## Eddie_T (Oct 30, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Nov 2, 2022)

Top world scientists recently got together and declared that God wasn't required to create life. 
The Angel of God appeared to them and said "Ok, prove it". 
So, one of the scientists reached down and grabbed a handful of dirt. 
The Angel spoke up and said, Eh, eh, eh get your own dirt."


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## Flyover (Nov 3, 2022)

Eddie_T said:


> Top world scientists recently got together and declared that God wasn't required to create life.
> The Angel of God appeared to them and said "Ok, prove it".
> So, one of the scientists reached down and grabbed a handful of dirt.
> The Angel spoke up and said, Eh, eh, eh get your own dirt."


I get what the joke is going for but why would the scientist grab dirt? There is a (by now) 50+ year old experiment where a mixture of inorganic elements are combined in a sterile container with electrodes poking into it and under certain conditions after a certain time, organic compounds begin to form. You could then have the Angel instead say "Eh eh eh get your own elements and electricity" but that suffers from two problems: one, it shifts the goalposts, because the scientists never claimed God wasn't required to create elements and electricity; two, it's a bit like telling a fish in a fish tank "get your own water"--from the fish's perspective it begs the question and is only persuasive from the Angel's perspective outside the tank.


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## Eddie_T (Nov 4, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Nov 4, 2022)




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## Flyover (Nov 4, 2022)

"The Gremlin Lee" I guess isn't as catchy


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Shake it Off*

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

MORAL :
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

"It doesn't cost a nickel to be nice to people.   It's something you can give away for free and it means more than a million dollars"  Sparky Anderson (_Famous baseball manager_)


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

Life isn't like a box of chocolates... it's more like a jar of jalapeno's.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow...

Apparently, Forrest Gump was wrong.


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

The Supreme Court ruled in Roth v. Brennan (1957) and Miller v. California (1973) that 
“obscenity is not within the area of constitutionally protected speech or press.”  

Obscenity involving children or obscenity presented to children is absolutely prohibited.  
That standard has not been overturned and is considered settled law.  So what these 
parents are doing is completely legal -- and to be commended.


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

Quotes from Evil Political Leaders

“Democracy is the road to socialism”- Karl Marx

“Democracy is indispensable to socialism” - Vladimir Lenin

“The meaning of peace is the absence of opposition to socialism” - Karl Marx

“The goal of socialism is communism” - Vladimir Lenin


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

Common Sense has died

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been
with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth
records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing
when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't
always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than
you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing
regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6 year-old boy charged with sexual
harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using
mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student,
only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that
they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It
declined even further when schools were required to get Parental consent to
administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform
parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband;
churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their
victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar
in your own home because the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize
that a steaming cup of fresh-brewed coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and
was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense welcomed Deaths embrace when a group of spoiled college drop-outs, easily swayed by a Canadian advertising agency bent on destroying capitalism, gathered to illegally take over a park blocks away from Wall Street to protest absolutely nothing while claiming they had a reason to be there.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife,
Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To
Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized
he was gone.


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

Acynomn for COVID

C = Control
O = Oppress
V = Victimize
I = Isolate
D = DIVIDE


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

When a man who is honestly mistaken hears the truth, he will either quit being mistaken or cease to be honest. (Author unknown).


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

A bum walks into the local welfare office...

A bum walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi, I’m tired of my years of scamming the system, drawing welfare for myself and a bunch of fake family members, I'd really rather have a job."

The man behind the welfare desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a
job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for
his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your
clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips. The starting salary is $200,000 a
year."

The guy says, "You're kidding me."
The welfare clerk says, "Well, yeah, but you started it."


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Funny announcements heard on airplanes*

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOSH!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*All I Really Need to Know I Learned From the Noah's Ark story *

1. Don't miss the boat.

2. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.

3. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

4. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

5. Don't listen to critics, just get on with what has to be done.

6. Build your future on high ground.

7. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

8. Two heads are better than one.

9. Speed isn't always an advantage; the snails were on board with the cheetahs. (and the turtles)

10. When you're stressed, float awhile.

11. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic was built by professionals.

12. Remember that woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the storm outside.

13. No matter the storm, when you're one with God ------- there's a rainbow waiting.


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*The Ant & the Grasshopper*
(Modern Version)

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer
long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and
dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press
conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm
and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN , and ABC show up to provide pictures
of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his
comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by
the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this
poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper,
and everybody cries when they sing, "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton stage a demonstration in front of the
ant's house where the news stations film their group singing, "We shall
overcome." Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the
grasshopper's sake. Al takes up the offering.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with
Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper,
and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his
fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity &
Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate
number of green bugs and,having nothing left to pay his retroactive
taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary gets the ACLU to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit
against the ant, and the case is tried before a jury comprised of
single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up
the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in,
which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him
because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident
and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who
terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

_MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote._


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Baptizing a Drunk Man*

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes
upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into
the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

The preacher pulls the drunk up and asks him, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk sputters, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again sputters and answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wit's end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk sputters, spits, wipes his eyes, catches his breath and asks the preacher, "No, preacher, but I've got two questions for YOU. Don't you have anybody else looking, and are you sure this is where He fell in?"


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Just Lookin Around*

I was at Walmarts the other day and a blind man walked in with his seeing eye dog on a leash.

After being in the store for a few minutes, he suddenly started swinging his seeing eye dog by
the leash around in a circle

The manager ran over and asked him, "what are you doing???"
The blind man said, "I'm just looking around"

** * **_ Sometimes I tell this to young people with a straight
face as though it's a really story... just to mess with them! _


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Blonde Riding Horse*

A blonde named Anna had a near death experience. The other day she went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. She tried with all her might to hang on, but was thrown off.

Just when things could not possibly get worse, her foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, she fell head-first to the ground. Her head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as she was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-Mart manager happened to walk by and unpluged it.


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Blondes and Christmas Trees*

There were two blondes who went deep into the frozen woods
searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolfs,
one blonde turned to the other and said, " I'm chopping down the next tree I
see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Butt Dust*

"Dear Lord..." the pastor began with arms extended, a rapturous look on his upturned face and using suitable voice inflections to emphasize the piety of his plea, "... without you, we are but dust"

He would have continued, but at that moment, one very obedient little girl leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, what is BUTT dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

Sorry guys... I got lots of jokes like this on my computer that I have saved over the years


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Special Instructions for Cleaning Cats*

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Family Dog


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Cold water*

A grandson goes to visit his grandpa back in the sticks who he hasn't seen in years. He stays all night with him, and grandpa makes breakfast. The grandson notices dried egg already on the plate and comments about it to gramdpa. Grandpa says, "Son, that's just about as clean a plate as you can get from cold water." Grandson stays for lunch, same thing, a little spot of dried hash in one corner of the plate. He comments to grandpa about it, Grandpa says, "Son, I told you, cold water can't get a plate much cleaner than that."

The afternoon draws on, and the grandson says his goodbye. He goes to the front gate and an old dog begins barking at him. He says, "Hey grandpa, call your dog, I can't get out." Grandpa says, "Cold Water, get away from that gate!"


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Corndawg Jokes*

1. *How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?* 
Unique Up On It.

2. *How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?* 
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. *How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?* 
They Take The Psycho Path

4. *How Do You Get Holy Water?* 
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. *What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?* 
Dam!

6. *What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?*
Polaroids

7. *What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?* 
A Stick.

8. *What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?* 
Nacho Cheese.

9. *What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?* 
Subordinate Clauses.

10. *What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?* 
Quatro Sinko.

11. *What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?* 
Spoiled Milk.

12. *What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?* 
Frostbite.

13. *What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?* 
A Nervous Wreck.

14. *What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?* 
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. *Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?*
Right Where You Left Him.

16. *Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?* 
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. *Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?* 
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. *What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?*
Sanka.

19. *What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?* 
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. *Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?* 
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. *What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?* 
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. *How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?* 
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer.

23. *One hydrogen atom to the other: "I've lost my electron."*
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile !!


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Wheres the cough medicine?*

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the
cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Counseling on Tuesdays and Thursdays*

After just a few years of marriage filled with constant
arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to
save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at
each other's throats for some time and felt that this was
their last straw.

When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor
jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What
seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his
long face down without anything to say. In contrast, the
wife began talking 90 miles an hour, describing all the
wrongs within their marriage.

After 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor
went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed
her passionately and sat her back down. Afterwards, the
wife sat speechless.

The marriage counselor looked over at the husband, who
stared in disbelief. The counselor said to the husband,
"Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her
here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Old Country Preacher*

I remember the story about the old country preacher who had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought along the line of choosing a profession. Like many young men, then and now, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do- and he didn't seem overly concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. What he did was, he went into the boy's room and placed on his study table these three objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, and a bottle of whiskey...

"Now then," the old preacher said to himself, "I'll just hide behind the door here, and when my son comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which of these three objects he picks up. If he picks up the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be o.k. too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a drunkard - a no-good drunkard and Lord, what a shame that would be."

The old man was anxious as he waited, and soon he heard his son's footsteps as he came in the house whistling and headed back to his room. He deposited his books on the bed, as a matter of routine, and as he turned around to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With a curious set in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. What he finally did was, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink... "Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "He's gonna be a politician!"


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Dear Tide:*

I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all through my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best.

Now that I am in my fifties, I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.

One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect!

I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.

Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Hefty bag people


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Things On a Dog's "Must Remember" List*

I will not play tug-of-war with doggie daddy's underwear when he's on the toilet.

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

I will scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.

I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.

I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not roll on dead birds, seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are doggie mommy's and doggie daddy's laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher or trashcan.

I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the "perfect" place to poop.

I will not eat other animals' poop.

I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while doggie mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*How many dogs to replace a lightbulb?*

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there

13. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

14. Australian Blue Heeler Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle ...

15. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

The Cat's Answer: "Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"

ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF.


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Reasons why English is hard to learn*

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it
was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Ever wonder why?*

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Face warning!*

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, she said, "You know, Bobby, when I was a little girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and always stay like that."

Bobby looked up into her face and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Fishing jokes 1*

A local sheriff got an unexpected call one day--an old college friend was passing through and wanted to go fishing for an afternoon. They hadn't seen each other in 25 years. The sheriff provided the boat, gladly, and the 2 men headed out to what promised to be a great afternoon of reliving the old tales and hopefully creating new tales.

As they stopped at the first good fishing spot, the out of towner reached down, grabbed a stick of dynamite, lit it and tossed it overboard. The explosion nearly knocked the sheriff out of the boat. Dead fish floated up and the guest, started scooping them up.

"What are you thinking?" asked the incredulous sheriff. "That's against the law!!"

"Oh, come on, what are you going to do, arrest me?" replies the old friend. "I always fish like this, it's the easiest way."

"There's no sport in that--true fishermen find the best spots, the best lures and the best time of day...we're true craftsmen."

While the sheriff rambled on, the guest reached down into his 'tackle box,' grabbed another stick of TNT, lit it and handed it to the sheriff.

"Now," said the out of towner, "are you gonna keep babbling, or are you gonna fish?"

 

"So, what's the matter?" asked one woman of her friend over coffee. "I
thought you just got back from a nice relaxing fishing trip with your
husband."

"Oh, everything went wrong," the second woman answered.

"First, he said I talked so loud I would scare the fish.

Then he said I was using the wrong bait; and then that I was reeling in too
soon.

"All that might have been all right; but to make matters worse, I ended up
catching the most fish!"


Jim had an awful day fishing, sitting on the lake all day without a single bite. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish.

He told the fish salesman, "Pick out the four largest ones and throw them at me, will you?"

"Ok. But, why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."


A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."

Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails . . . is that correct?"

"Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today."

"Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails."

"No," she replied, "they're really big!"

"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?"

"No", she said, "they're really big, red lobster tails"

"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed.

"They must be old lobster tails!"

"No, they're definitely today's."

"Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?" he repeated, astounded.

"Yes", she insisted.

"Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one."

She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said, 

"Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ..." 

 

Two goobers go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"


If fish lived on land, which country would they live in?
Finland.


How do you kiss a pike?
Very carefully


Fly-fisherman's wife: "Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend"


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Fishing jokes 2*

Why are fish smarter than mice?
Because they live in schools.


What side of a fish has the most scales?
The outside.


What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather


What happened to the fishing boat that sank in piranha fish infested waters?
It came back with a skeleton crew.


Where do fish keep their money?
In the river bank.


How can you tell when a fishermen is lying?
Watch his mouth real close. If it moves he's lying.


Bob and Jimbo were out on the lake one morning. They were having a great day, pulling in fish after fish, until the boat was full. When it was time to leave, Jimbo says, "Boy, the fishing here was great! Hope we can remember how to get back to this spot next time". 

"Well", says Bob, "let me fix that!". He pulls out a piece of chalk, and puts a big "X" on the side of the boat. "Now, we'll know where this place is next time". After rowing halfway back to shore, Jimbo suddenly says, "Wait a minute, Bob! What if we don't get the same boat???!!!".


Near a highway bridge several boats were scattered about in the lake as there was the Annual Bass Catchers Classic fishing tournament in progress, when a funeral procession came by on the bridge. Everybody just kept on fishing except for one fisherman, who put his fishing pole down, stood up, removed his hat and remained in that fashion until the funeral procession was passed.

A nearby fisherman happened to see this and was impressed at how respectful the man had been, so he cranked up his boat and pulled up beside the other mans boat. "Howdy, I saw how considerate you were toward that funeral procession, pausing and standing like that. I wish I had been as thoughtful"

The other man replied, "I reckon it's the least I could do. After all, we'd been married for nearly 30 years."


Why didn't Noah do any fishing on the arc?
Because he only had two worms!


Two boys were sitting on the rivers edge fishing. One turns to the other and says "Do fish grow fast?". The other boy replies "I think so. Every time my Dad tells the story about the one that got away it grows another foot"


A pastor loved to fly fish. It was an obsession, but so far this year the weather had been so bad that he had not had a chance to get his beloved wadders on and his favourite flies out of their box. Strangly though every Sunday the weather had been good, but of course Sunday is the day he has to go to work. The weather forcast was again good for the coming Sunday so he called his assistant pastor claiming to have lost his voice and in bed with the flu. He asked if he could take over his sermon.

The fly fishing pastor drove fifty miles to a river near the coast so that no one would recognise him. An angel up in Heaven was keeping watch and saw what he was doing. He informed God who agreed that he should do something.

With the first cast of pastor's line a huge fish mouth gulped down the fly. For over an hour the pastor ran up and down the river bank fighting the fish. At the end when he finally landed the monster size fish it turned out to be a world record Salmon.

Confused the angel asked God, "Why did you let him catch that huge fish? I thought you were going to teach him a lesson." God replied "I did. Who do you think he is going to tell?"


The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time? The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life, senor."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you.

You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds buy a bigger boat, with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years." "But what then, senor?"The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.""Millions, senor? Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."


Henry took his fishing very seriously. One day his young son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was. "Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."

"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."

"But that's just what I did, mommy."


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Fractured Dictionary*

Arbitrator - \ar'-bi-tray-ter\:
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable - \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\:
What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney - \buh-lo'-nee\:
Where some hemlines fall.

Bernadette - \burn'-a-det\:
The act of torching a mortgage.

Burglarize - \bur'-gler-ize\:
What a crook sees with.

Control - \kon-trol'\:
A short, ugly inmate.

Counterfeiters - \kown-ter-fit-ers\:
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

Eclipse - \i-klips'\:
what an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper - \i'-drop-ur\:
a clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes - \hee'-rhos\:
what a guy in a boat does.

Left Bank - \left' bangk'\:
what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.

Misty - \mis'-tee\:
How some golfers create divots.

Paradox - \par'-uh-doks\:
two physicians.

Parasites - \par'-uh-sites\:
what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist - \farm'-uh-sist\:
a helper on the farm.

Polarize - \po'-lur-ize\:
what penguins see with.

Primate - \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.

Relief - \ree-leef'\:
what trees do in the spring.

Rubberneck - \rub'-er-nek\:
what you do to relax your wife.

Seamstress - \seem'-stres\:
describes 250 pounds in a size six.

Selfish - \sel'-fish\:
what the owner of a seafood store does.

Subdued - \sub-dood'\:
like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.

Sudafed - \sood'-a-fed\:
bringing litigation against a government.


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Funeral Notice*

It is with the saddest heart that we must pass on the following news. Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.  Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.  Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later
life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll
model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly Dad, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Funny Product Warnings*

1. On a blanket from Taiwan -NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists -REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE
MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo -USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavored milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP
UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray -THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer -TO AVOID CONDENSATION
FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING.
(Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.

8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins -WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVORITE
BREAKFAST CEREAL?

9. On a Sears hairdryer -DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

10. On a bag of Fritos -YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY.
DETAILS INSIDE.

11. On a bar of Dial soap -DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)-DO NOT TURN
UPSIDE DOWN.

13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

14. On a Korean kitchen knife -WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights -FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE
ONLY.

16. On a Superman Halloween Costume- WARNING: THIS COSTUME WILL NOT ENABLE
YOUR CHILD TO FLY.


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Funny sayings...kinda*

IF MONEY DOES NOT GROW ON TREES, WHY DO BANKS HAVE BRANCHES?

If you cut off a glowworm's tail would it be delighted?

How do you know which armrest is yours in the movie theaters?

If you say something is indescribable, isn't that describing it?

Do Dutch people always split the bill?

Can you sleep forever without being in coma?

Why is it called butterfingers when there is no butter or fingers in it?

If you shine a light into a mirror, do you get twice as much light?

How come it was called the Cosby Show when Billy Cosby's character was named Heathcliff Huxtible?

If a Truck is loaded with Helium, would it weigh less than when it was empty? Wouldn't it get better fuel mileage?

Why is the blackboard green?

Why do they call it a black light when it's really purple?

Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?

What do you call male ballerinas?

How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?

If you dig a tunnel straight through the earth, will you come out with your feet first?

Why are pennies bigger than dimes?

Did they have antiques in the olden days?

Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?

If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Funny sayings...kinda 2*

1) At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6) In the memo field of all your checks, write " FOR SEXUAL FAVORS".

7) Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy."

8) Don't use any punctuation

9) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

11) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

12) Sing along at the opera.

13) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

14) Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.

15) Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16) Have your co workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

17) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!" "I Won!" "This is the 3rd time this week!!!"

18) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

19) Tell your children over dinner. "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Funny Tech Support Stories*
(supposed to be actual accounts from tech support people)

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the 'Any' key is.

2. SAT technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another SAT customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the
man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid," The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses
shouldn't be taken personally.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that
his computer still couldn't "see" the printer."

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her
response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.

8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

9. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

10. In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of
the disk and wondered why there were problems.

11. True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop:
Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller: It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

12. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting
in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

13. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*God Issues Recall Notice to Mankind*

The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured,
regardless of make or year, due to a serious defect in the primary and
central component of the heart.

This is due to a malfunction in the original prototype units; code named
Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all
subsequent units.

This defect has been technically termed "Sub-sequential Internal
Non-Morality," or more commonly known as S.I.N., as it is primarily
expressed.

Some other symptoms include:
1. Loss of direction
2. Foul vocal emissions
3. Amnesia of origin
4. Lack of peace and joy
5. Selfish or violent behavior
6. Depression or confusion in the mental component
7. Fearfulness
8. Idolatry
9. Rebellion

The Manufacturer, who is neither liable nor at fault for this defect, is
providing factory-authorized repair and service free of charge to correct
this SIN defect.

The Repair Technician, JESUS, has most generously offered to bear the
entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no
additional fee required.

The number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R. Once
connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE
procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, JESUS,
into the heart component.

No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, JESUS will replace it with:
1. Love
2. Joy
3. Peace
4. Patience
5. Kindness
6. Goodness
7. Faithfulness
8. Gentleness
9. Self control

Please see the operating manual, the B.I.B.L.E. ( Believers' Instruction
Before Leaving Earth) for further details on the use of the fixes.

WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction
voids any manufacturer warranties, exposing the unit to dangers and
problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being
permanently impounded.

For free emergency service, call on JESUS.

DANGER: The human being units not responding to the recall action will
have to be scrapped in the furnace.

The SIN defect will not be permitted to enter Heaven so as to prevent
contamination of that facility.  Thank you for your attention!

GOD

Please assist where possible by notifying others of this important recall
notice, and you may contact the Father any time by "Kneemail"


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Good news, and bad news for Pastors*

Good News: You baptized several today in the river.
Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.

Good News: The women's group voted to send you a get-well card.
Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.

Good News: The pastor-church relations committee accepted your job description the way you wrote it.
Bad News: They were so inspired by it that they decided to call a new pastor capable of filling the position.

Good News:The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of the parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: The youth of the church came to your house for a visit.
Bad News: It was in the middle of the night and they were armed with toilet paper and shaving cream.

Good News:The church has agreed to send you to the Holy Land for study.
Bad News: They are waiting for war to breakout before sending you.


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Gotchas!*

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.

"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes - any handicap he wanted. He said, 'Just give me two gotchas.'"

"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman.

"That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he grabbed my shorts and gave me a wedgie and screamed out 'Gotcha!'"

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

"Sure," the pro said. "That gotcha threw me off, and I missed the ball completely."

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?"

The pro answered, "I couldn't swing well the rest of the game because I was watching out for that second 'gotcha!'"


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Honking to pass*

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from
Phoenix to Flagstaff, Arizona (about 140 miles). He got as
far as Black Canyon City (about 40 miles) before the
mountains just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a
single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled
over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't
fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of
rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He
tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he
was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that
he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly,
another Corvette blew past them. Not to be out done, the
Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short
distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over
120 MPH, blew through a speed trap.

The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and
radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes
headed his way at over 120 MPH.

He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this,
but there's guy on a 10 speed bike honking to pass."


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today*, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT...

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do Ido?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later...)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".
and you have to just know the rest ....lol


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*"Honey, if I died, would you re-marry?"*

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you re-marry?"

"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need
companionship."

"If I died and you re-married," the wife asks, "would she live in this
house?"

"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want
it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."

"If I died and you re-married, and she lived in this house," the wife
asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"

"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to
last a long time, so I guess she would."

"If I died and you re-married, and she lived in this house and slept
in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*It's not my fault*

This guy gets hired to paint lines down the middle of the highway. The first day he paints 109 miles. The boss is impressed! He tells him that if he keeps this up he'll be getting a raise and a promotion! But the next day he only manages to paint 5 miles. 

The day after that he only gets one mile done. At the end of the day he's told that he's fired. "It's not my fault!" he says, "I kept getting farther away from the paint can!"


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Jokes by Late Night TV Host*

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover that once a year is way too often.

And on the show tonight, we have five Miss America contestants and some dogs. (Audience Roars) I mean real dogs. (More laughter) Come on now, you know I mean dogs that bark.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Say What??? - 1*

I had a helicopter once... but had no place to park it.
So I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."


When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy,
"Do you have any toy train schedules?"

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.
They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

Aggie mechanic to customer: I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

What do batteries run on?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad.
He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."

My Aggie neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child....eventually.

We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further questions."

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . they were cramming for their finals.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

I went to a fancy french restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"


I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Say What??? - 2*

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I worked as a lumberjack for a lumber company. All of the trees were just 10 feet high and 1/4 inch thick. We made paneling.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I know an aggie that tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... He said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I don't get it...

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... GO FIGURE!

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Are there any questions?


A day without sunshine is like...Night!

On the other hand you have different fingers

I just got lost in thought...it wasn't familiar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Support Bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

Light travels fast than sound, which is why some people appear to
be bright until you hear them speak.

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

What disease did "cured ham" actually have?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

Why do they sell bags in boxes.dont they have any confidence in their own product?


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## Krich (Nov 5, 2022)

*Just leave it in the garage*

Norman and his wife live in Minneapolis. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through. " Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..........." then the electric power goes out, and Norman's wife is very upset.

With a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"


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## RedneckGrump (Nov 6, 2022)

Eddie_T said:


> View attachment 28775


Oh so true...


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## Eddie_T (Nov 6, 2022)

*A busy night at Stonehenge as the staff worked all night to move the stones back 1 hour.*


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## Eddie_T (Nov 10, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Nov 10, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Nov 10, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Nov 11, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Nov 11, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Nov 12, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Nov 13, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Nov 13, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Nov 13, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Nov 16, 2022)

My son relaxed and fell asleep to one of those youtube crackling fire videos and a commercial woke him up.


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## Eddie_T (Nov 16, 2022)

SHOT MY FIRST TURKEY TODAY
IT SCARED PEOPLE 
AS FAR AWAY AS AISLE 11​


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## RedneckGrump (Nov 17, 2022)

I know I’m a handful but that’s why you got two hands.” – Unknown
“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavour.” ...
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” ...
“Taking naps sounds so childish. ...
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.” ...


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## RedneckGrump (Nov 17, 2022)

Life is like homemade ice cream: sweet and seasonal. ...
Pets: the family members you get to choose.
There's no need to turn on the heat at the family reunion; the room will be full of hot air.
Whatever you do in life, do it with enthusiasm.
That's a life lesson I could have done without.


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## Eddie_T (Nov 18, 2022)

If you're over 60 you learned a lot from your parents.

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION .
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why ."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA .
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY .
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION .
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My father taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up"
22. My mother taught me GENETICS .
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM .
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.
25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"


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## RedneckGrump (Nov 18, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Nov 18, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Nov 18, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Nov 19, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Nov 19, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Nov 19, 2022)




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## Flyover (Nov 19, 2022)

^ it's funnier if you imagine the boy asked the question and the girl said to get her a beer


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## havasu (Nov 19, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Nov 22, 2022)

Ladies when shopping keep purses attached to you. Or if you want to have some fun with a thief, take a carabiner and discretely clip one of the straps to your shopping cart. Then if some grabs the purse and runs they'll be dragging the whole cart. Which is your cue to scream, mace and kick the crap out of them! Have fun. Or just clip an old purse and be careless and ready for confrontation.


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## Eddie_T (Nov 25, 2022)

Men who lack female supervision sometimes ...


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## RedneckGrump (Nov 25, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Nov 25, 2022)

I don't remember where I saw this or heard this, But Lorie and I think it's brilliant... We don't have these problems, anything never disappears from our front step... Could sit there for weeks. Anyways what we saw was this guy taking his Amazon box, downstairs, filling it with dirty cat litter, taping it back up... and then putting it out on his front steps, so the Amazon Pirate jumps in and steals it... Guess he does this every few months... Just an idea... if anyone has problems with these pirates...


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## Flyover (Nov 25, 2022)

Eddie_T said:


> Men who lack female supervision sometimes ...
> 
> View attachment 29139


Yuck. In a previous career I was sometimes a camera operator for TV crews and occasionally we shot Motorcross in indoor arenas. The whole arena would fill up with exhaust fumes, it was awful. (I like that gasoline smell but after 30 seconds of not being able to escape from it it's not so nice anymore.) If that is a real photo, i.e. the result of something someone actually did, then I am thoroughly horrified.


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## Eddie_T (Nov 26, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Nov 26, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Nov 27, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Nov 27, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Nov 27, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Nov 28, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Nov 28, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Nov 28, 2022)




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## Flyover (Nov 28, 2022)

RedneckGrump said:


> View attachment 29179


I think the truth is a lot of kids used to die in playground accidents. Maybe there's something to be said for trading off safetyism for grit & independence, and goodness knows I like to see my kids taking little risks and trying today what they were too scared to try yesterday, but at a certain point I'd rather have a slightly sheltered kid who's alive and well than a toughened up one who's lying on the ground with a broken neck.


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## Eddie_T (Nov 28, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Nov 28, 2022)




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## Eddie_T (Nov 28, 2022)




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## havasu (Nov 30, 2022)

For you Yellowstone fans


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## RedneckGrump (Dec 4, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Dec 4, 2022)




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## RedneckGrump (Dec 4, 2022)




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