# Tools Explained



## havasu (Nov 11, 2010)

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it. 


WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers 

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.



PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.



BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.



HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.



VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 



OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race. 



TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. 



HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. 



BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge. 



TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. 



PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. 



STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms. 



PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. 



HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. 



HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit. 



UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, CD and DVD boxes, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. 



Hope you found this informative.  :facepalm:


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## Hummer (Nov 18, 2010)

It is 6:20 am here in Hershey Pa, and I am rolling! Thank you I needed that.


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## thomask (Feb 13, 2011)

May I add:

TAPE MEASURE, used for wasting time performing exact measuring when estimating will work just as good.:facepalm:


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## Deek281 (Feb 16, 2011)

You forgot a few:

DIE GRINDER: used to produce light speed fragments of abrasive discs after they come apart while cutting off rounded bolt heads.

ADJUSTABLE WRENCH: useful for rounding off of fittings and bolt heads. Also used as an improvised hammer.

IMPACT WRENCH: good for breaking off bolts when one forgets which direction its set on. When in doubt, its always the opposite of what one wants.

AIR GUN: great tool for blowing dust and shavings from ones workbench directly onto the freshly painted body panel on the far side of the shop, or if one is really lucky, directly into ones beer.


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## havasu (Feb 17, 2011)

The Impact Wrench and Air Gun definitions are so true! Thanks for adding, and welcome Deek281!


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## Anvil14 (Dec 31, 2011)

AIR HOSE:features an ability to lose your tire chuck after a single use,and each successive tire chuck you purchase.Also catches on the tiniest tire lug when you attempt to drag it around your car making you 10" too short.
DRILL PRESS CHUCK KEY:An ability to absolutely dissappear into thin air ,never to be found again.
SOCKETS:Rolls to the EXACT center under your car. The 13mm(1/2") and 14mm(9/16") are particularly skilled.


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## havasu (Jan 1, 2012)

^ Truer words were never spoken! :thumbsup:


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## Deek281 (Jan 2, 2012)

Another one, recomended by a friend:
RADIAL ARM SAW:
Recruiting tool for surgeons specializing in reattaching limbs and other body parts.


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## thomask (Jan 2, 2012)

Just bought a *hole saw *attachment for my drill to put some outlet boxes into ceiling, 
be careful this could be a trap, most likely is used to market ace bandages and slings for sprained wrists.


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## Anvil14 (Feb 1, 2012)

WHEEL RAMPS: used for smoothing out any tiny imperfections on the driveway as they slide ahead of the tire. Secondary use: bending the chin spoiler out of the way. 
OIL DRAIN PANarticularly useful for coating the asphalt driveway with oil so the driveway will not rust.
GREASE GUN:Most often used for snapping off useless grease nipples.
OIL PAN PLUG: Fun loving part. Likes to play hide and seek in a dirty ,full, oil drain pan.
TIRE IRONS: Old school method of "flipping up" on the operator,thereby cracking him a "Good ONE!" in the Junk. This kind of lesson is called "gaining  experience".Also raises his voice an octave.


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## Otahyoni (May 27, 2012)

Sorry for any doubles...

[FONT=Verdana, Arial]WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints
and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you
to say, ''What the...''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing grease out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper..

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile
upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters gained from using a 2X4
to try to lift an automobile off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another
hydraulic floor jack.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to
cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into
the trash can after you cut on the inside edge of the line instead of
the outside.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip
out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to
convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is
used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while
wearing them.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning
power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that
travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty
suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon,
Oxfordshire and rounds them off.

****** TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling ''******'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.[/FONT] 


[FONT=Verdana, Arial]Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot. 

Timing Light:A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Grease Gun: A messy tool for checking to see if your zerk fittings are still plugged with rust.[/FONT] 


[FONT=Verdana, Arial]GOOSE NECK RATCHET: Tool designed by Satanic Communists that when used properly will fold when maximum torque is being applied, slamming knuckles into suspension parts and your head into the fender that you are working beneath.[/FONT] 


[FONT=Verdana, Arial]BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.[/FONT] 


[FONT=Verdana, Arial]Tire iron: the only tool you forgot to put back in your vehicle, only around for use when completely unneccessary[/FONT]


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## Chris (Oct 3, 2012)

Just found this one.


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