# Builder's Joke Thread



## Square Eye

Post your funnies here!

I've got an old one to start.

A man contracted to paint a church. He noticed that he had not bought enough paint, it was Friday and he couldn't possibly get the additional paint he needed before the big event at the church. He had promised it would be done, so he decided to thin the paint so it would spread further. 

Sunday came and the membership was seriously disappointed with the paint job. There were places where it was so thin you could see right through it. There were other places where it ran and dripped on the sidewalks and steps. The congregation called an emergency meeting.

They decided to have the man come back and redo the paint. The job fell on the pastor to go tell the man he had to come back and redo the paint. So, the pastor was a good man who was always very thoughtful about what he said and keeping peace and all. He went to the man's home Monday morning and knocked on the door. The man came to the door and the pastor still didn't know what he was going to say to the man. The man, kind of shocked at the sight of the preacher, blurted out "Excuse me preacher, I don't feel very well, this hang-over has me by the tail!"

The preacher immediately knew what to say,,




































REPAINT!!


AND THIN NO MORE!!!!



P-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-Ha-ha-ha-ha,,

Well, I thought it was kind of funny.

Somebody please top this with something better!


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## inspectorD

A strong young man is standing around with the other old timers boasting about how he can carry more that everyone there.

One Ol timer bets him one weeks wages that he can wheel  something in that wheelbarrow that that young punk could never carry.

The young guy boasts "your on old man!!"

With that the old timer puts out his hand and says...."Get in." 

Never mess with the big dogs!


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## Square Eye

PADOOP-PAH!!

Come on, somebody has a good one,,,

heh-heh-heh


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## Square Eye

A man walking down the street hears a voice, "13,,..13..  13"
He stops and tries to figure out where the voice is coming from.
He looks up, he looks down, he gets caught looking in a window, then he sees a knot-hole in a tall privacy fence. He assumes it's a construction site and 13 is a measurement and none of his business. He walks on.

The next day, the same place, he hears the voice again. The lady snaps the curtain shut and today the voice is calling "22,,.. 22,... 22" Well curiosity gets him and he leans down and peeks through the knot-hole in the privacy fence. 

OWWwwwww!%$#@!!!
Who poked me in the eye?!!!!

The voice is laughing hysterically, then changes back to "23,,. 23,.. 23"



PADOOP-POW!


Ha-ha-ha-ha, THANK YOU! thank you! I'm here every night, come back again, Tell your friends!! 
Thank you! WOO-HOO!


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## inspectorD

A construction worker goes to the doctor and say's," Doc...I'm constipated,could you help me."

The doctor examines him, and after a minute tells him to lean over the table.

The construction worker leans over the table and the doctor hits him square on his bottom as hard as he can with a baseball bat!!
Then he sends him into the bathroom to do his business.

The construction worker comes out a few minutes later and says'"
Doc..I feel great!! What should I do so this does'nt happen again?"

With that the doctor replies'"Stop wiping with cement bags." 


BlaHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahahahhahahaah


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## Square Eye

PADOOP-POW!!

Watch it dude, 

this is a family show!

Keep your constipation to yourself!

P-HA-HA-HA-Ha-ha-ha-ha,,

SOMEBODY PLEEEEEEEEEEASE, I know there's something funnier out there..


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## Daryl in Nanoose

3 guys show up for a interview at a Construction and Supply firm
The first guy gets hired on in the concrete division and the boss sends him on his merry way.
The second guy gets hired on in the framing division and again the boss sends him on his merry way.
Well the boss looks at the third guy and says your very small and patete I think I better put you in charge of supplies and sends him on his way.
  Well a couple of hours went by and the boss decides to go check on his new people and first checks out the new guy in the concrete division and seas him hard at it then carries on over to the framing devision and again sees the other new guy hard at it then carries on over the the supplies depot and looks for ever for this new little guy and for the life of him can't figure out where he is. He asked around if anyone has seen him but no one knows where his has gone so the boss decides to go look one more time to see if he can find him and walks around a large tall pile of lumber and all of a sudden the little guy jumps out in front of him and says SUPPLIES, SUPPLIES

OYAH,OYAH


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## Square Eye

Padoop-pop!



Oyah?


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## inspectorD

The Whodunnit...

(this is terrible)
A person is killed on the job-site....
The police began questioning the workers, based on past brushes with the law, many were prime suspects. They were a motley crew....

Here are some past offences..the plumber leaked these stories because he felt he was trapped.

The roofer had fallen on some bad times and went to the hospital with shingles.Everything was dropped because they felt his 3rd story was ok.
The electrician was once suspected of wiretapping...though was never charged.
The carpenter was almost nailed for trying to frame another man, who thought he was a stud.
The painter has had several brushes with the law...many times he tried to run, his alibis were thin.
The HVAC guy was known to pack heat, he was arrested but duct the charges.
The mason was suspected because he gets stoned regularly.
The cabinetmaker was an accomplished counter fitter.

Finally the carpenter confessed,the autopsy confirmed the person was hammered when they died.


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## asbestos

In about 36 states jokes that bad are against the law
friends don't let friends tell jokes like that 
only you- can prevent horrible jokes
this is your brain on that joke -any questions


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## inspectorD

Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut, or deal.

Bid opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

Bid - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

Low bidder - Contractor who was bluffing and is wondering what he left out.

Engineer's estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.

Architect - Thinks 3 dimensional, draws 2 dimensional....missing one dimension.

Critical path method - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

Delayed payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

Auditor - Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the bodies.

Lawyer - Person who goes in after the auditor to strip the bodies. (Good thing this is family orientated)

And saving the best for last....

OSHA - A protective coating made by half baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney....usually applied at random with a shotgun.


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## asbestos

two penguins are taking a bath, when they get out one penguin says to the other "Can you pass me a towel?" the other penguin says "What do I look like, a chair?"





ps - if someone can explain that joke to me, that would be great


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## Square Eye

I think it means that there's no hope for you Asbestos.


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## Gandul

It is really??


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## inspectorD

Well here goes ....sorry in advance. 

Sing to the beat.....

Doe....the stuff that buys me beer.

Ray...the guy that serves me beeeeeeerrrrr.

Me..the guy who drinks the beer,
Fa..never the distance to my beeerrrrrr.

so..think I'll have another beer...
La..lalalala..beeerrrrrrrr.

Tea..no thanks I'll have more beer...

Douh,do, duho,du,do....i neeed more beer.

Which brings me back to......Dough................ 

Sing that one on your next night out.
Remember to have some fun with it....I did.... .


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## Square Eye

Advance apology accepted


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## inspectorD

We have 2 joke pages Eh?
Just how do we link the two?hehe

http://www.houserepairtalk.com/showthread.php?t=3793
Like that.


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## inspectorD

So i'm sittin on the couch today, an my wife asks me what I'm doin today. I looked right at her and said...same thing I did yesterday!! She say's "you didn't do anything yesterday"...and I told her...I wasn't finished ,and needed to complete the job. Then the fight started.........:hide:


Save the whales...collect the whole set.....:


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## Blue Jay

*The Power of a Badge*......



DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister,  I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."  Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.  "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.  No questions asked or answers given.  Have I made myself clear?  Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......


  With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored  before he reaches safety.  The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

*" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "*


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## inspectorD

Early morning after counting sheep, I woke up with the chickens, crowin like a rooster. And, since I ate like a bird last night, I was hungry as an Ox.
 After hogging all the food at breakfast, I worked like a mule, till the cows came home. 
That night , I worked the farmers auction, ended up being a little horse.And.. At the end of the day, I was dog tired, and barkin at the moon.
Why did I do it? I may let the cat out of the bag later......


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## TxBuilder

Funny guys.


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## inspectorD

Every time I start to push the envelope...I have to remember it is still stationary.:banana::banana::banana::banana:


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## TxBuilder

inspectorD said:


> Every time I start to push the envelope...I have to remember it is still stationary.:banana::banana::banana::banana:


Bwanmph bwamph bwamph.


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## kaytav

*Blonde paint job*
 A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

 "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
 The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
 The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

 A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
 "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."


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## plumbers

a funny cartoon video 

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dijAhBgEgDs]YouTube - plumber[/ame]


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## nealtw

The compresser broke down, so the boss had his crew start framing the back wall by hand. To save time he told them just to tack the plywood on it and stand it up. Once the wall was stud he sent the junior guy out the back to finish nailing the plywood.  When he went around to see ow the junior guy was doing, he saw the guy pull nails out of his poutch and through some away.
He asked, why are you thoughing nails away. The new guy answers, the heads are on the wrong end. The boss told him to save them they will work fine on the front of the building.


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## CallMeVilla

A contractor dies on a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.

Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says Congratulations!

Congratulations for what? asks the contractor

Congratulations for what? says Saint Peter. We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.

But thats not true, says the consultant. I only lived to be forty.

Thats impossible, says Saint Peter, we added up your time sheets!


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## CallMeVilla

A woman was looking at the animals on display in a pet store. A few minutes later, a man walked in and said to the shopkeeper 'I'll take a Construction Monkey, please.&#8217; 

The shopkeeper nodded and took a monkey out of a cage. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the man, saying, 'That'll be $5,000.' The man paid and left with the monkey. 

The surprised woman went to the shopkeeper and said, 'That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?&#8217; 
The shopkeeper answered, 'Ah, that's a Construction Monkey. He can drive trucks, set forms, erect steel & equipment and run pipe, all with no back talk or complaints. He's well worth the money.' 

The woman then spotted a monkey in another cage. 'That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?' 

'Oh, that one' replied the shopkeeper, 'that's a ' Superintendent Monkey', he can read drawings, answer RFI's, make as-build's and inspect quality. He is very useful monkey indeed.' 

The woman looked around a little longer and found a monkey with a $50,000 price tag. The shocked woman exclaimed, 'This one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world can it do?&#8217; 

&#8216;Well,' said the shopkeeper, 'I've never actually seen him do anything except drink beer and put his hands down his pants. But his papers say he's a Project Manager.&#8217;


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## WindowsonWashington

Ha ha!!!

I am sending this one to my PM.


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## Admin

Please let us know if you're still employed.


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## WindowsonWashington

I made it through the weekend.


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## CallMeVilla

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, Neal from Canada, and the last one was from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, &#8220;Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don&#8217;t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?&#8221;

So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, &#8220;Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.&#8221;

Next was Neal from Canada. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, &#8220;Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.

Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, &#8220;$2,700.&#8221;

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, &#8220;You didn&#8217;t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?&#8221;

&#8220;Easy,&#8221; he said $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire Neal.&#8221;


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## CallMeVilla

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Chinese guy opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The blonde guy opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says" Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" 

So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death. That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying "I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me." And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn't sad about her husbands death, the blonde guy's wife replys "Don't look at me, he packs his own lunch."


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## Admin

LOL, that's pretty good.


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## bud16415

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. Austin from Texas, Neal from Canada, and the last one was from San Diego named Villa.
 At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, &#8220;Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don&#8217;t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?&#8221;

So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.

 First to step up was the Austin. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, &#8220;Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.&#8221;

Next was Neal from Canada. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, &#8220;Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.

 Without so much as moving, Villa said, &#8220;$2,700.&#8221;

The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, &#8220;You didn&#8217;t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?&#8221;

 &#8220;Easy,&#8221; he said $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire Neal.&#8221;


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## nealtw

bud16415 said:


> Easy, he said $1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire Neal.


 
Oh sure give the job the illegal alien:banana:


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## bud16415

The new PC term is &#8220;undocumented immigrants&#8221; or &#8220;undocumented contractor&#8221; in this case. I would have to know if you are using the exchange rate in your quotes though. 

I told this joke to several coworkers who all laughed and then asked who&#8217;s Villa?


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## nealtw

bud16415 said:


> The new PC term is undocumented immigrants or undocumented contractor in this case. I would have to know if you are using the exchange rate in your quotes though.
> 
> I told this joke to several coworkers who all laughed and then asked whos Villa?


 
undocumented contractors can't be trusted, I would ask for the cost of mat. up front and head for the boarder.

Then Villa would be the guy helping the gaard build the fence.


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## CallMeVilla

Great --- rip off my joke, change it around, then blame me instead of the illegal alien contractor??

Try THIS ONE:

One day, there were a bunch of men are on a construction site. A normal, hard working construction worker, an engineer, a scientist, and a union worker. They all happen to be on their break, when the subject comes up about their dogs, and how smart they are. 

The construction guy tells everyone how smart his dog is and wants to show everyone, so he calls him "T-Bone! get over here. Do your stuff T-bone" T-Bone runs over to the work kitchen, prepares a perfect dozen of fresh cookies and brings them back!

The guys were pretty amazed. The second guy, the engineer, wants to show off what his dog has, so he calls him over. "T-Square get over here!" T-Square grabs a piece of paper and a pencil, and draws a circle, triangle, and a square. "wow," said the guys not bad..... not bad. 

The scientist having his nose up in the air says to all of them, "that was nothing!" "Watch this! Calculus!!! Do your stuff" Calculus runs into the work kitchen and pours 3 glasses of milk that are exactly 8 ounces each, puts them on a tray and carefully drags the tray back! 

Well the guys were very amazed with the scientist and pretty much gave him the credit for having the smartest dog. A few minutes go by and they forgot all about the union worker. "What can your dog do??"   "Huh who me?" he says. "Coffee Break get in here!"  Coffee Break runs over, eats the cookies, drinks the milk, ****s on the paper, screws all 3 dogs (two of whom were male), complains about back pain while doing so, and goes home on worker's compensation leave.


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## nealtw

Are  alien contractors illegal if they don't do any work?


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## Arhsub

Impact of Job Change:

A taxi passenger touched d driver on shouldr 2 ask smthng

Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters frm a shop

The driver said:
&#8220;Don&#8217;t ever do that again, u scared me&#8221;

Pasengr apologized n said:
&#8220;I didn&#8217;t realize a litle touch wud scare u so much&#8221;

Driver replied:
&#8220;Sory, it&#8217;s nt ur fault
its my 1st day as a Cab driver, I&#8217;ve been driving a van carying dead bodies for last 25 yrs;-)


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## CallMeVilla

Sometimes, a picture is worth a bigger laugh ...
[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxtI1_acHQ0[/ame]


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## Countryboy26047

Ok, sorry if this ones been told before but here goes...

An electrician goes to a house one day for a service call.. Upon knocking at the door, an elderly man opens it. As he introduces himself, the electrician notices a dog sitting just a little ways behind the old man. He then asks the old man "Sir, does your dog bite? If so, could you please put him in another room?"   Old man replies, "Ahh son, my dog don't bite"

Once inside the house, the electrician leans down to get a tool from his pouch when suddenly the dog lunges up and bites him right on the butt!  Furious, he yells out "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!!!"  The old man, smirking, replies ".... ain't my dog!"


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## nealtw

My friend Charlie.
 Charlie is a big time contractor, banks, schools, warehouses , that sorta stuff. After working with a dairy farmer for year on a deal to build a new milking parlour it was time to sit down go over all the final plans and sign the contracts so they could get started. The farm is way out the valley and as both men are busy they decided they should meet at the farm sometime after dinner on Tuesday.
Well Tuesday came and Charlie had a real bad day on Tuesday which ended up with a flat tire only to find that the spare was also flat. After he had that all sorted out and got the truck on the road, he called his wife and told her he would just grab something to eat on the way out to the farm.
So on his way out of town, he swung by a drive thru, and picked up some spicy chicken bits that he could easiely eat while he drove.
Ninety minutes later he pulled into the farm driveway but the was something wrong with that chicken and the gasses where building up in Charlies stomach. He was met right away by the farmer and is old dog, Cedric. They took a little walk around the site of the new parlour and Charlie was able to pass a little gas without anyone noticing.
By the time they got sitting down at the kitchen table, Charlie was having another gas attach and excused himself to go the washroom. Twenty minutes later they were into their meating and Cedric had curled up and went to sleep right beside Charlies chair. Then Charlie was having another attack and thought he cold let a little one slip out. And when he did, the farmer said CEDRIC and the meeting continued. Charlie figured this was good, the dog was getting blamed for his slips, so when the gas built up again, he let it go, and again. and again and every time the farmer just said
CEDRIC everytime. Finally the last one was a little bigger slip than before and the farmer said. CEDRIC get out of there before de dumps on you.


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## CallMeVilla

A contractor dies on a fishing accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band.

Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"

"Congratulations for what?" asks the contractor

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We are celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."

"But that's not true," says the consultant. "I only lived to be forty."

"That's impossible," says Saint Peter, "we added up your time sheets!!


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