# I have a moral dilemma.



## Chris (Aug 22, 2016)

So last weekend my wife's cousin overdosed and died. He has had a drug problem for years. My dilemma is the her other cousin sent me a link to a gofundme page to help pay for his cremation. Sounds normal right? Well her cousins and the kids parents are all well off people that don't need the money. The kicker for me is that they are spending thousands of dollars on chartering a boat out of San Diego for his memorial. It is hard for me to give money to people that don't need it and are foolishly spending what could be spent on what they are asking for.

It's hard for me because I don't want to be the guy that doesn't contribute but I also don't want to. On the other hand I want to throw s large sum at it just to prove a point.

What would you do?


----------



## havasu (Aug 22, 2016)

I'd toss in a $100. It will make you look good and possibly stimulate others to cough up similar amounts. It also is about what a tank of fuel would cost you, so it isn't too much.


----------



## slownsteady (Aug 22, 2016)

A token amount would be appropriate.


----------



## nealtw (Aug 22, 2016)

It's the wife's family, leave it up to her, you are in a no win situation. Just agree with what she does.


----------



## Chris (Aug 23, 2016)

She says F-them.....


----------



## nealtw (Aug 23, 2016)

Then when they don't talk to her any more it is not your fault.

" what ever you decide sweetheart"

My ex was having a problem with her brother over money, she had me do the talking, later it was all my fault.


----------



## Chris (Aug 23, 2016)

We are the outcasts of her family. They all gossip and play games and we don't so they don't like that. Her cousins didn't talk to her grandparents for years because they were "mean" then when her grandma was in poor health they were nowhere to be found until the day she passed away and they were knocking at the door offering to help grandpa with his money and paying his bills for him as long as they were in control of the cash. He is worth a million or more and doesn't need their help. We just stand back and watch the games. we visit on christmas and maybe a couple other times throughout the year but thats it. just not our kind of people.


----------



## nealtw (Aug 23, 2016)

So what was the question again.


----------



## oldognewtrick (Aug 23, 2016)

Chris said:


> It's hard for me because I don't want to be the guy that doesn't contribute but I also don't want to. On the other hand I want to throw s large sum at it *just to prove a point*.
> 
> What would you do?



What point are to trying to prove, you have cash? You care? You miss the cousin? You want to be a good guy? 

How did they respond when your mom passed? 

Chris, just do what the little voice in your head tells you to do.


----------



## frodo (Aug 23, 2016)

if she says F'em,  then f'em



  the choice in this matter is your wife's choice to make and you should back her up. what ever she decides



i disagree with oldawg, about the little voise in your head,  it is your wife's family,  it is the voice in her head on this matter
you are her husband,  your duty is to her


----------



## nealtw (Aug 23, 2016)

Impressive, Frodo and I agree

The wife should also consider this bunch will use the power of bitching to influence dad.


----------



## frodo (Aug 23, 2016)

I have been well trained by my wife


----------



## nealtw (Aug 23, 2016)

My mouth was un trainable. plenty tried.


----------



## zannej (Aug 23, 2016)

If they don't need the money and your wife says "f-them", then I agree. Maybe send a condolences card at the most.


----------



## oldognewtrick (Aug 23, 2016)

frodo said:


> *i disagree with oldawg, about the little voise in your head,*  it is your wife's family,  it is the voice in her head on this matter
> you are her husband,  your duty is to her



You failed to read between the lines, me thinks you been hit in the head by too many Asian carp today...


----------



## Chris (Aug 23, 2016)

I ended up giving them 200 bucks which is probably 199 more than I should have. Wife didn't want to give anything but I know her family and it would cause comments for the next year or two. I'm not sure why people feel the need to act the way they do or even why they are asking for money when they don't need it. I'm not gonna miss any of them if I move away.


----------



## slownsteady (Aug 23, 2016)

$200 is plenty generous. I would have been much cheaper. But if it smooths things out at family get-togethers, it might be a good investment.


----------



## Chris (Aug 23, 2016)

They see me as a successful business owner and my wife has a good job. No matter how much I make from a dollar to a million they think I am wealthy. If I gave any less there would be comments about how cheap I am. They pretty much con'd me. 

It's funny, they didn't know I even owned a company until a couple years ago. I just kept telling them I did construction and you should have seen how differently they treated me once they found out I owned the company. Before I was just a drunk construction worker and I liked that title. Never got asked for anything.


----------



## slownsteady (Aug 23, 2016)

tell them you sold the business at a loss.


----------



## Chris (Aug 23, 2016)

I told them I am looking into giving it up and leaving the state as the money to me is not worth the headache, stress and time I have to put into it and they just about flipped out. They couldn't understand that money means very little to me and as long as my bills are paid and my family is feed I am happy. I really do miss when I was younger and had to get creative with my projects and now I just buy new, kinda takes the fun out of it. 

They are typical California, keeping up with the Jones and trying to look wealthy even if you are not. To most here money is what makes the world go round. I'd rather have a BBQ and a cold beer with some friends.


----------



## frodo (Aug 23, 2016)

what causes me to think,  is you said they do not need the money.

it is my understanding go fund me is or those who need help .

so, for them to ask for money, is really rather tacky and gauche 



throw that bbq  and take pictures  lol


----------



## nealtw (Aug 23, 2016)

Funeral homes do take advantage of people grieving especially if the family feels shame and guilt over losing some one to drugs,
. And before he died he likely made their lives miserable too.


----------



## Chris (Aug 23, 2016)

frodo said:


> what causes me to think,  is you said they do not need the money.
> 
> it is my understanding go fund me is or those who need help .
> 
> ...



It is and they are. the part that bugs me the most is the huge party on a yacht that they are throwing as a memorial. I am glad I will be out of town and have to miss it. 



nealtw said:


> Funeral homes do take advantage of people grieving especially if the family feels shame and guilt over losing some one to drugs,
> . And before he died he likely made their lives miserable too.



I paid to have my mom cremated and the funeral home expenses. Cost me 4-5k. They are asking for 6k. Before he died not one of these grieving people would take 30 seconds out of their day to talk to him. He was the "Loser" and "Druggie". His dad was the only one that really cared for him but even he wasn't around because his wife (My Wifes aunt) Didn't want to deal with a druggy or go out of her way to try and help. I don't know his mother but he lived with her most of the time. I would see him at christmas every other year or so and thats it. I didn't really know him but I did relate more with him at these parties then most of the family.


----------



## bud16415 (Aug 24, 2016)

Chris said:


> I'd rather have a BBQ and a cold beer with some friends.




:thbup:

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e4ujS1er1r0&list=RDe4ujS1er1r0#t=82[/ame]


----------



## chrisn (Aug 25, 2016)

Chris said:


> I told them I am looking into giving it up and leaving the state as the money to me is not worth the headache, stress and time I have to put into it and they just about flipped out. They couldn't understand that money means very little to me and as long as my bills are paid and my family is feed I am happy. I really do miss when I was younger and had to get creative with my projects and now I just buy new, kinda takes the fun out of it.
> 
> They are typical California, keeping up with the Jones and trying to look wealthy even if you are not. To most here money is what makes the world go round. I'd rather have a BBQ and a cold beer with some friends.



Having just come back from a small vacation to the lovely California, I can say it costs a lot of $  to do anything there. Well worth it to visit but I don't think(even with our combined income) we could afford to live there. It is a beautiful place though.


----------

